And again I haven’t slept. It’s actually been two months since I did this last time. What was on my mind? Let’s not sleep and watch movies all night long!
Movies was nice through my mind was throwing different staff around. But at last I’m settled down on 7 am and with my mind.
There’s been a lot there recently. Of course boys. But that again isn’t the point. I’m again and again keep asking myself: What am I looking for? What have to change to feel good? Wasn’t it enough some time ago?
I’m here. So it wasn’t enough. I was complaining about other’s character, timing and getting lost in perpetual need. The Little One was getting lost. And yet I still ave some baggage from the time I was with him. It was nice and sweet but it wasn’t. This had have to be written. Am I looking for something that isn’t there?
I think and I hope that I have grown older. Years have passed and I can see other’s in different light. And it’s not the same as years ago.
Still … still I want the same - everything. Naive and yet hopeful. I still get hooked by the looks. I still get exited by the figure. In same time I now can tell: It’s not for me.
It’s hard. Of course it’s hard, I tell myself. Is it too much? Or it’s not enough? I don’t know. Maybe I’m lost. Maybe I’m not. Maybe it’s the right path - high expectations and no fucks given. Sis’ would say that!
Am I really looking for kindness? Nowadays it’s an old school idea, outlandish. It’s seems like that when I go out. Or isn’t?
Sex, drugs and parties. Is it for me? I’d prefer sleeping, hot tea and maybe adventures in nature. I feel need for … everything. And yet … am I able to describe what I really do like? Is mu state at this insomnia allows to write what’s on my mind truly?
Everything. I describe my desires with this one word. I live to enjoy. Sometimes hormones kick in and I’m crazy but most of the time I’d love just to lay near by and enjoy silence. I’d enjoy wine and talks. I’d would enjoy doing something. Some adventures, some rest. I’m so tired. So much tired. It’s a miracle I don’t call everything a bullshit and run away. I have too much hope in me.
But I want to tell myself - I can find this everything I’m looking for. It’s more familiar and it seems a good idea.
Date me Just date. Look in eyes and smile.